The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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