Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
We had to coat check the pizza.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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