I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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