He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
