i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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