kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
