Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Houston, we have a squirter
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
