i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
