I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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