All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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