The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
