i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
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