Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
