what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Boobs speak an international language.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
