Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
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