if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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