I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Randomize
