he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
