Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
