I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
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