I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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