i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
I need to align my fucking chakras
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
