Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
