you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
