My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Randomize
