I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Randomize
