i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
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