I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
