I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
