Got a toothbrush?
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Randomize
