I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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