saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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