yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
