mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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