I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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