hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Randomize
