I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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