So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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