She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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