sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
You took a bar mat shot.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
