You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
