answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
whose ass print is on the piano?
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
