I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
