Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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