my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
splinters make it hard to masturbate
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
