I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
