omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
