Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
If that was your dad, he is hot
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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