at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
