i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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